Amaranthine
by Katla
Summary: Kate adjusts to life post-season 6.  In the midst of her loss, Kate takes comfort in the connections to Jack that surround her.  Oneshot.


Adjusting to life without Jack was like trying to lie comfortably on a bed of knives. Every way she turned, she hurt and she bled.

Once they had gotten back from their brief time on the island (she knew it was brief, yet it had felt like years), they had split up, each going their own way. Miles disappeared, Frank had gone back to his life (he was the only one who had one off the island), and Richard had vanished, seeming much more comfortable in the real world than anyone who had spent countless years on an island should be. Sawyer had stayed with Claire and Kate for a while, traveling with them to LA, but Kate saw the restlessness in his eyes the whole time. She knew he needed to keep moving for a while – after what he had lost, he couldn't settle down, at least not yet. If he settled in somewhere, he might be overwhelmed. Reality was sometimes best avoided by ceaseless movement.

They all stayed at Kate's house the first night. Kate gave Claire her own room, Sawyer had the guest room, and she laid on the couch all night, afraid to close her eyes because she knew exactly what and exactly _who _would be waiting for her there. If it had not been for the fact that she had to decide what to do about Aaron, her control would have ruptured and she would have been swept away in grief. But she did have to think about Aaron, and Claire needed her to be strong. Mourning could wait – it had to.

Her eyes were red from the sleepless night when she finally got up to make coffee and breakfast for Claire. Sawyer was already in the kitchen, looking as though someone had kicked him in the stomach. She knew exactly how he felt.

They sat silently over their cups of coffee, because there was nothing to say. They were each bleeding from the recent amputation they had each experienced, and each of them was much too stunned by their loss and their sudden return from the nightmare into the warmth and normalcy of life. A warmth they could not feel, and a normalcy that had become dim somehow, as though it were not truly reality. No – reality hurt much more than _normal _ever could.

Kate finally asked if he wanted any breakfast – Sawyer, predictably, said no. She wasn't hungry either. Food seemed terribly uninteresting. She made some eggs and toast for Claire, and just as she was carrying it up the stairs, she heard Sawyer pushing his chair back from the table. She knew he was leaving before he said he was. "Good luck," was all she could think of to say to him. She had slipped some money into the pocket of the jacket they had recently bought for him, so she knew he would be alright. She had also put in a slip of paper with her number on it. In case he ever needed anything. But she was almost certain that she wouldn't hear from him anytime soon. Maybe not ever. But she had lost so much in the past few weeks, and she had already lost Sawyer once. It was not very painful to lose him again.

As the door creaked shut behind him, a memory surfaced, unbidden and unwanted. Jack, sitting on the deck of the _Searcher,_ insisting that Kate didn't need to take Aaron herself.

"_You don't have to do that…"_

"_After everyone we've lost… Michael, Jin… Sawyer… I can't lose him too." Jack had looked hurt by her attachment to Sawyer. As he always did. And as she always did, she felt a stab of guilt. Still, he had offered her comfort. She who had hurt him so deeply. "Sawyer's not dead."_

"_No. But he's gone."_

Now she watched as Sawyer disappeared, and realized with a pain that burned its way to her core that it was Jack who was gone. Forever.

She couldn't breathe, she couldn't think, she couldn't make herself understand the horrible, horrible truth that she would never see him again – her mind wouldn't accept it. It rebelled against the pain, and Kate forced herself to think of Claire. Claire who needed to see her son again. Claire who had also lost the man she loved… and then been abandoned by everyone else for three years. She grimaced and finished climbing the stairs, wondering why she felt a little lightheaded, even nauseous… she needed to eat. But that could wait.

Claire was sitting on the floor, her knees tucked beneath her chin, and her arms wrapped around them. She looked very small and very scared. Kate arranged her face into smile and spent the next few hours coaxing Claire to eat and encouraging her with every ounce of strength that she could muster that Aaron would love her. They worked to make Claire as pretty as possible, washing, combing, and cutting her hair and finding a pair of clothes that would fit. At about noon, Claire looked a little like her old self. Her hair was shorter, but she was still beautiful. Only the deadness in her eyes gave any indication of what she had been through for the past three years.

The afternoon was spent in a reunion with Claire's mother and with Aaron. Kate could only imagine what was in Claire's heart and mind. She could see the flashes of pain and regret on Claire's face, but mostly there was overwhelming joy. Kate was glad, although the emotion seemed far away, as though she was feeling it from a distance. Mostly she just felt empty. Her son… her husband (that's what he had almost been, and she couldn't help but think of him that way sometimes)… all gone. She struggled to smile as Claire embraced Aaron. She struggled to keep smiling when she asked Claire to live with her. She wanted them all to be together, but she knew that Aaron wasn't hers anymore. He never had been, really.

Claire and Aaron came home with her, as did Mrs. Littleton, who was determined that her daughter and grandson would never leave her sight again. She had lost far too many years as it was. Kate welcomed her.

That night, after everyone had gone to bed, Kate sat on the couch, sleepless again. Her mind was becoming more and more untrustworthy after days without sleep, and she began to imagine that she was with Jack. He was sitting in the armchair in the corner, smiling at her. She smiled back, before she realized that she was drifting into the realm between sleep and wakefulness where reality became blurred. Jack wasn't there. She laid down and forced her eyes shut, ignoring the ache in her head and her throat and in her wounded shoulder. She especially ignored the fear washing over her like a bucket of ice. She was losing control of her thoughts, as tired as she was…

Suddenly she was dreaming. Jack was standing on the treacherously slick cliff, telling her goodbye. In her dream, she behaved differently than she had before. She cried, she begged him not to go, but he couldn't hear her. He turned to walk away, clutching his bleeding side. She screamed and tried to run after him – but her legs wouldn't move. Her body wouldn't obey her, and Jack was getting farther and farther away…

"Kate!"

She woke to Claire's frightened voice. Her whole body hurt, and she felt extremely hot. She passed her hand over her face only to feel that it was covered in sweat. Claire was hovering over her, a look of concern distorting her face. Kate heard Mrs. Littleton's voice in the background – was she on the phone? She tried to say that she was fine, but everything seemed so far away…

She woke up in a white room. She struggled to remember why she was here, what had happened… Claire walked in, relief instantly apparent on her face.

"You're awake." She smiled, and for a moment, Kate imagined that they were back on the island three years ago - no one had died, Aaron had never been with anyone else – but Claire's smile faded and her eyes were still tinged with a bitterness that had been so foreign to that other Claire.

She sat up, glaring at the IV in her arm. "What happened?"

"You were moaning in your sleep, and I couldn't wake you up. You were burning up with fever – the doctor said your shoulder was getting infected. And you were undernourished and dehydrated as well." Claire looked very disapproving as she relayed all of this information, and Kate thought that she was going to make a fine mother. Claire looked suddenly solemn. "You've been feeding me and taking care of me, but not yourself, haven't you?" She glanced up at Kate's eyes and seeing the confirmation there, she reached for her hand and became stern. "You can't so that anymore. I'll be fine. Thanks to you." The last bit came out in a whisper.

Before Kate could respond, Claire's looked down, and her brows knit together. Her expression wavered between anxious and excited, before settling into an uneasy smile.

"I need to tell you something, Kate. I asked the doctors if I could be the one to do it."

Kate was mystified. "What?" She asked, searching Claire's face for answers. It hurt her more than she could express that she no longer knew Claire well enough to read her expressions. She gave up and waited.

Claire, still holding her hand, looked her straight in the eye. "You have to take care of yourself now, Kate. I'm not the only one who needs you."

"What-"

"You're pregnant."

It was one of those strange moments where perfectly ordinary combinations of words suddenly jumble themselves into nonsense and become difficult to understand. Kate's vision blurred slightly, and she felt as though she was swaying, even though she was safely tucked into a hospital bed.

"I'm-"

"-pregnant," Claire helpfully repeated with a teasing grin. Her expression softened and turned sad. "With my brother's baby, I would imagine."

"Yes," breathed Kate, feeling involuntary tears beginning to slide down her cheeks. "It's his."

The tears kept coming, an unstoppable overflow of the tumult inside her heart. She was going to have a baby. Jack's baby. And Jack was-

She couldn't think it. But she could feel it.

Claire watched her expression carefully. "Would you like to be alone?" she whispered.

"No!" Kate said quickly, swiping at the tears. "Please – don't leave me." _Don't leave me alone. Jack already did…_

The mass of pent up emotion was beginning to strain against her carefully erected barricades. She was about to need Claire more than ever. "Don't leave," she whispered again, seeing Claire's uncertainty. "I can't do this alone." _I can't do any of it alone…_

Claire nodded and squeezed her hand with a sad smile. Kate smiled shakily, but soon the sobs began to come hard and fast. She wept onto Claire's shoulder, tears of joy with tears of anguish. She was so glad that Claire was here. Jack's sister…

She held onto her harder, as though through Claire she could hold on to some tiny piece of her brother.

_Three Years Later…_

Kate loved going to the park in the afternoon. Today it was cool, with just enough of a breeze to spread the pleasant scents of the surrounding forests and to carry off the less appealing odors. She sat on the bench nearest the sandbox, and watched the clouds, all the while listening intently to her companion. Claire was seated next to her, wondering aloud what they were going to do for dinner since they had been at the park for so long, and neglected the grocery shopping. Kate smiled as a very authoritative voice chimed in "McDonalds's! Let's go to McDonald's!"

Kate dropped her eyes to the sandbox, as a very animated Aaron ran to Claire, pleading for a Happy Meal. Claire gave him a very noncommittal "We'll see," and managed to press a quick kiss to the top of his blonde head without him being able to dodge her. He ran back to the sandbox. Claire smiled after him.

"You know, that's not a bad idea…" Kate began.

Claire sighed dramatically. "We really need to go grocery shopping," she said. But Kate could hear a hint of indecision and she smelled an easy victory.

"I'm enjoying this way too much to leave," she said, grinning at Claire. Claire smiled and gave in easily. "Me too," she whispered. And Kate knew that her favorite thing was to be with Aaron like this, on beautiful days, having fun all together. The grocery shopping could wait.

"Mommy," a tiny voice interrupted her thoughts, but she smiled. There was no other voice that she would rather be interrupted by. "Yes, sweetheart?" She smiled at her beautiful son, the opposite of Aaron in so many ways. He was small, with a mop of curly dark hair and beautiful brown eyes. She was so glad that he had Jack's eyes. They were penetrating, intelligent eyes, and she had no doubt that he could graduate from medical school a year early, just like his father. Maybe even earlier than that…

She smiled, imagining Claire rolling her eyes as she always did when Kate elaborated on the wonderfulness of her son. "That boy has you wrapped around his little finger," she would say with a smile. She knew what it was like to have a son you loved more than anything.

"Mommy," he repeated, "McDonald's?"

Kate laughed. "I guess it's decided then." She kissed his cheeks. "Are you all done playing?"

He nodded, dropping the shovel he had clasped in his chubby hand as his eyes lit up with excitement. Kate smiled again, retrieving the forgotten toy, and guiding him back to the sandbox. "First we have to clean up."

With the aid of Claire and Aaron, they piled all the sand toys into a bin. The boys moved with lightning speed, anxious for their Happy Meals. "All finished," Kate finally declared, snapping the lid onto the bin, and passing it to Claire. Claire and Aaron headed for the car.

Kate swept her son into her arms. "Come on, Jack. You ready for a Happy Meal?"

He nodded eagerly, and smiled. Kate's breath caught in her throat for a moment. It was truly amazing how much he could look like his father sometimes. She blinked back the sudden rush of emotion, and hugged Jack to her a little more tightly as she carried him to the car.

A few years ago she would not, could not have imagined the happiness that was in store for her. Sometimes she still woke up feeling empty, and sometimes the pain of Jack's absence still loomed up inside of her with blinding agony. But he wasn't gone – not completely. She caught glimpses of him every day in the eyes and in the face of his son. Jack surrounded her constantly in the boy, in Claire, and in Aaron.

She smiled at her family, Jack's family, as she buckled their son into his car seat and climbed into the car herself. She wasn't alone, and Jack wasn't completely gone. And one day, she thought solemnly, she would see him again.

Claire flipped on the radio, and Aaron and Jack began to sing along with varying degrees of success. Kate smiled, blinking back the pleasant sting of memories. She _would_ see him again. She glanced at Jack's face in the rearview mirror and he smiled at her. Until then, this was enough.


End file.
